A-m (umopapisdn) wrote,
A-m
umopapisdn

a scrap from a previous journal ... timewise, prolly about a year ago...
...

What the fuck is love anyway? Seems like my idea changes with every guy I fall for. I want it to be something tangible... something you can pin down... something you can hold up like a badge of courage... something with a recipe or something you can quantify:"Love is one part friendship, one part trust, a little bit of chemistry and a pinch or two of lust" (catchy like lyrics *grin*).

But seriously, I like to say its a choice you make, a commitment, a gift you share with someone. Just allowing them complete access to your being. A way of valuing someone as completly as you value yourself. But other times I think its something Hallmark (TM) or Hollywood... some kind of ideal that just doesn't exist in real-space.

Who knows what love is? Anyone? I think its basically impossible to define. Because well.. it exists somewhere in this space between two people. Its this link, this bond.. and each person is holding on to one end of it. Striving to reach out and grab the entirety of it. But it doesn't work that way. You can only ever see your part of it, never the whole being. It is impossible.

Its also impossible not to sort of daydream. Like somehow I'm going to help him find his true calling, and he help me find mine, and somehow we'll just sort of know these choices make sense. Like it will just somehow fit and feel right. I mean like falling from heaven or something.

I haven't got a clue where I want to be ten years from now... or even five. I get all these dreams about writing, consider taking up all these new things -- photography, architecture/design... or even going back to school to study psychology, anthropology, computers, media... waiting to kind of just find that one thing that I can really just be passionate about for my whole life. I mean... holy fucking pressure, deciding something now that you're going to pursue for like 50 years... what if you end up specializing in something you just really hate 10 years down the road. Do you just keep starting over?

Its like loving someone ... you think its going to be forever.. then you change and grow... soon you're not sure if you've got a comman path... Its such a behemoth.. trying to find something you can really just love ... trying to find someone you can really just love... forever.
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