A-m (umopapisdn) wrote,

So his birthday came and went. And it wasn't until today that I noticed it had passed and I hadn't even really thought "If we were still talking, I'd have got him *this*"... it wasn't until tonight that I thought about how we'd celebrated the last few of his birthday's together. It wasn't until tonight when for no reason I got an e-mail from a past participant of mine asking how he was doing (because I guess, when I lived in North Bay I must have talked a lot about him... I dunno, when she writes to me she always asks what crazy things he and I have done lately, and this time the answer was nothing at all). It wasn't until just then, that the date hit me and I spun crazily into a downward spiral of regret.

I don't regret my recent choices.

What I regret is that from the get go I wasn't honest when I should have been. Perhaps initial honesty would mean that he and I never would have become such good friends... but perhaps not. Perhaps we'd have figured something out... and maybe then I wouldn't be missing him so terribly tonight.

There have been a lot of moments in the past few months that I've really missed him... reminiscing with my sister about tumbleweeds, thinking about buying concert tickets for various events, eating with a friend a Mr.Greenjeans, taking the subway and not running into shmanny, seeing a really really terrible movie... and probably a million other times. But tonight, thinking about birthdays and how there won't ever be any more together... well I guess how much that sucks really hit home.
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