A-m (umopapisdn) wrote,

Sleep does wonders for emotional tension. I am doing so much better today. Tik has of course still not arrived in Thailand. I'll likely not here from her until late afternoon tomorrow. But I am still trying to hold tight to my typical cheery optimism. Hope, hope, hope, love, love, love, light, light, light.

On another note... I keep telling my friends "I'm done" ... nothing more to write about Him. And the truth is, I stand by my choice. I know to my core that its better for me not to pursue anything. How can you ever love someone you can not trust?

But then I see things... hear from people he is speaking to... and the silence wounds me. Its a silence I asked for and am keeping true to. And yet its almost as if I am jealous of his recent appeals to another to let him back in her life. A sort of: "Why is he trying so hard with her, I thought he loved _me_!" kind of response.

And then I hear from yet another that he's said sweet words to her as well. And I feel a fool. Played. Our last words were about how I had lost faith in him. And I see now that my faith was always a joke. For me there was only him. A centre. A mirror. And the whole time he was keeping all his options open. Just in case I wasn't enough. Why am I not enough?

Why am I asking these questions? Why am I hurting? I deserve better than he has to offer me... and instead of anger (which he deserves)... instead I'm doubting my own worth.

What power we give to others when we open the door to our heart.
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