A-m (umopapisdn) wrote,

I don't know where I got this, or what the original source is, but I've kept it for quite a few years (its mimeographed even, not photocopied)... I thought I'd paste it here so you could share in my enjoyment. I have a weird sense of humour I suppose.

A Snow Diary


5 -- 5:00 am it started to snow. The first of the season and the wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.

6 -- We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystalline snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub was covered with a beautiful mantel of white. I shovelled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and the sidewalk. Later the snowplow came by and filled the driveway with compacted snow from the street. He smiled and waved and I waved back happily. I shovelled it again.

13 -- The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh well, I am sure we'll get some more before the winter is over.

14 -- It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to 0. I shovelled the sidewalk and the driveway again. Shortly after the snowplow came by and did his trick again.

15 -- Sold the care and bought a 4x4 Blazer so we could get around in the snow. Bought snow tires for my wife's car too.

18 -- Fell on my ass in the driveway walking on the ice. $123 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken. Thank God. The damn sky is getting awful dark again.

19 -- Still cold. Icy roads are making for very tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with the wife's car. Probably $2000 damage to the thing. She's real pissed at me.

20 -- Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shovelling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice. Missed work today due to a sore back. My back is getting worse. Another $123 session at the chiropractors.

22 -- We are assured of a white Christmas because another 7 inches of that white shit fell again last night and with this freezing weather it won't melt until August. I got all dressed up again to go out to shovel that shit again: boots, snowsuit, jacket, scarf, longjohns, earmuffs, gloves, etc... then I got the urge to pee.

24 -- If I ever catch that son of a bitch that drives the snowplow I'll drag him through the white shit by his balls. I think he hides around the corner waiting for me to finish shovelling then comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws the shit everywhere. Temperature -12F this morning.

25 -- Merry Christmas. They are predicting 12 more inches of this fucking white shit tonight. Does anyone know how many shovels full of that white shit there are in 12 inches on my driveway? To hell with Santa. He doesn't have to dig that shit. He's got elves. The snowplow driver came by today asking for a donation. I hit him with my ice axe after I broke my shovel with his leg. The doctor thinks he'll live.

27 -- The police have laid charges of assault, but it felt good. Boxing Day the power was off for 8 hours. Minor problems with a local transformer. The city also sent me a notices about failure to clean my sidewalk.

28 -- We got 11 more inches last night. I must be going snow blind or have a severe case of depression. My wife is starting to look good to me.

29 -- The toliet froze and the roof is starting to cave in. If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow.

30 -- I torched the fucking house and we've gone back to California.
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