Right at this moment I feel like I have a lot that I want to say/to write but I am not sure exactly where to start. The truth is that tonight while I was talking to a friend I knew for sure, for the first time that I really do love you. I mean, its something I've been struggling with for months now.
Can you love someone really if they can't love you?
Can you love someone who doesn't love you back?
What exactly is love?
When you love someone what exactly does it mean?
I didn't really know. Not until tonight. Not ever.
I mean, there are other people in my life who I love, and have loved. But I don't think I have ever really chosen to love someone before now. I am not sure how to describe it really except that way. I choose to love you. But that's a lie too. Because I am not sure that I could choose not to love you.
Maybe as I keep this monologue building I will think of a better way to explain it. But there is a lot more I need to write first.
The biggest thing that I want you to know but that I probably wont tell you is that I am scared. Not just sometimes, but always. Its something inside me that doesn't ever really go away.
Its because I want to be able to think further than next week. I want to have dreams and goals and plans and to feel confident about my future. But I can't. Because if I think ahead of next week I have to start to wonder if you'll be there.
I mean the nightmare that is not a dream but a real thought goes like this: A few months from now, contract complete, you kiss me goodbye and walk out of my life forever: "Bye bye. Thanks for the fun times. But I'm off to see the world and create a future and I haven't made enough room in it for you. Sorry."
And I am not writing this letter because I want you to say 'Don't be silly, we'll be together forever!" Because I don't want that kind of commitment, not from you or anyone.
Forever is a longer time than I am prepared to give anyone -- except my child (I only want one -- did I ever tell you that). I mean it when I say I am never getting married. Marriage is antiquated. But love isn't. And I don't want my love for you to be wasted.
It takes a lot of strength for me to be with you. And you dont make it easy very often. Sometimes I start to feel like I am really giving a lot more than you. But the truth is I want to give more. I mean, not like a competition, but I am sure that no matter what you gave I would always "stay ahead" of you. I want to be stronger than you... and prove it.
But in a way, I'm not stronger because I get hurt too easily. Which is mostly because you never get hurt. I know that "an eye for an eye" is ridiculous but sometimes it would really mean so much to me to know that I could do something to hurt you. Not hurt your feelings... I can't explain it. shit. What I mean is...
When was it that you decided not to really feel anything anymore? I mean, when did you hurt so much that you decided not to ever really care enough to hurt again? Because If I could go back to that day, if I could have been there to take all that hurt instead... to absorb it all... I'd do it in a second if it meant that you could hurt again. Because as long as you push all the pain down deep you will never be able to love anyone again... not me... not anyone. And even if I knew right now that you could never love me ever, if I could know that you could love someone. If I could know that you could find someone to make you happy and who you could love so much. If I could give you someone who you wanted to spend eternity with. Someone who made you excited to be alive. Someone who you wanted to do everything for... someone who you wanted to continually suprise. Someone who's life you wanted to make happier than your own. If I could give you someone to love like I love you. I would in a second. I would do it. I would walk away. And I would never regret it even if that someone wasn't me.
Another thing I am scared about is getting pregnant. Last month my period was seven days late and I couldnt even talk to you about it. I was so terrified. Because... well I know what happened in your past. But I couldn't do that. I've thought about it again and again. Ever since I became sexually active I've thought over and over about abortion and no matter which way I try to justify it I know its something I could never do.
So it scares me incredibly to think that I could become pregnant with your child. Because I've heard you say again and again that you never want to be a father. So where would that leave me? I dont know. I know you would try to be responsible. But I also bet you would resent me forever. And what kind of life is that for a child. When I have my child I want it to be loved.
I told my mother that I would know I was with the right man when I found someone who I could have a child with. I told my mom about six months after I met you that I thought you were 'the one." But I feel that you dont even want to think about us being together in the future. And you never want children.
I told my mom you dont want children. She asked me if I would give that up to be with you. And I said I would never give anything up for anyone. But it seems now that I have really given a lot up to be with you. There are a lot of times that my needs go unmet. And I cope... I survive.
When my needs are not met it mostly has to do with control. It has to do with the fact that you define the limits of our relationship. You get to decide what is allowed. Why? Because I let you. Because I am scared. Because I have given up something.
I gave up being confident. I gave up being sure. I am not sure about anything with you. Because you dont let me be sure? I dont know. I think its more because I am so scared that if I am honest with you... If I talk to you about how I feel.. If I say "I'm scared that when this contract is done you will leave, you will not even look back and that I will be left standing with a relationship that lasted a year and a half dead stop." you'll say: 'You've always know this wasn't forever... you've always know that I was leaving before you were... I never promised you anything."
And you wouldnt be lying. And so I never say it. I never tell you that I am scared. And I sure as hell dont tell you that every month I pray and pray that I won't be pregnant because I am so afraid of that being another opportunity to fuck things up for us. And that every time I hurt or cry or get angry I am scared that you're going to say 'Shit this girl crys a lot. Why do I stay with someone so weak." And I try to be strong.
But its hard to love someone who can't/won't/doesn't love you back. And if you only knew how many times I wanted to say 'I Love You" and had to swallow it down hard because I am afraid that if I say that too much it will be another reason for you to back away.
And I am scared that if you read this you'll think that I think you are weak or that you'll be under the impression that I am keeping stuff from you because I think you can't handle it and that you will be upset about that too....
And I know that all this writing is just garbage because I will never give it to you. And people keep telling me I deserve someone better than you. And you know what I think? I think I do too... I deserve you to be better. You really can be a different person. Not with a lot of change. I dont want you to be someone different. I just want to find a way to let you love again.
And I dont know how to do that.. But there must be a way. And I know that together we could find it. But... I am scared you dont even care to try...
And so I am stuck here trying so hard to paddle this boat. But without you on the other side I.. we are going in circles ... around.... around... around....