A-m (umopapisdn) wrote,

Just found a file I saved on cyberspace while I was in Thailand because I couldn't get LJ to post. Mostly just rambling about my thoughts re: coming home. It's a rather long entry... enjoy!

Three weeks and I�m back in Canada. I almost wrote �three weeks and I�m back home,� but the truth is, I don�t exactly have a home. I�ve written about this before. I never really lived where I was born, so I can�t call Southampton home� and my parents no longer live where I went to high school (although, I haven�t really lived there for years myself). My mom and sister live in Orangeville and I tend to spend my between times with them, but I don�t have a room there� only a chest and a wardrobe� and a storage locker filled with all my stuff.

My stuff has been on my mind lately. I keep saying that I want to sift through it and downsize it and strip my possessions back down to the basics. But I never seem able to part with much of it. When I get home I really need to try again. Most of the things in storage have been boxed up as much as four years. I don�t think I can part with my books� they�ll remain boxed until I eventually do have a place to call home� but I can at least pass the tupperware and table cloths on to people who can actually use them.

Other �return to Canada� resolutions follow:

I am going to become a vegetarian again. Its something that I have been meaning to do for a while and the insane quantity of meat that I have been consuming (three meals a day or more) in Thailand has pushed me to do it. It�s one of a long list of things that I believe but don�t practice. I really need to start living with more integrity. I said to a collegue of mine that when I have children I want to raise them vegetarian because I really believe that it�s the way of the future generations� there are so many �I�ll do this when� s in my life� I really need to make these into �I�ll do this now�.. of course, even here, I�m pegging my now three weeks in the future.

Same idea goes for being a �smarter consumer.� I am not going to become a tree hugging environmentalist� but there are a lot of things I constantly buy that I know have wider impacts and I just sort of make excuses. Living in Thailand has given me an appreciation for where a lot of products originate� we�ve had a lot of discussions about why so few things are �made in Canada.� I read an article in Harper�s recently that put rather well� we don�t have slaves any more� we just keep them in their land of origin and call them workers.

Along with being a vegetarian, I need to be more diet conscious. I don�t go very many days without being reminded of my size here. Can�t shop for clothing because in general �one size fits small� � and Thai small is a lot smaller than Canadian small. Also, people in Thailand are blunt and honest. And the truth of it is, even if some of the comments hurt my feels, they�re based on reality. When Tik stands behind me, she does �dissapear,� I do look like the chick in the Pepsi commercial who mimics Britaney, and it is true that I didn�t go on the mountain hike because the vertical climb was too much for me. I am out of shape and I am overweight. It really should be a priority for me to be more healthy. It�s not easy work. Its taken me about 10 years to become about 80lbs overweight so I should expect to be thin overnight. But I can at least start putting in to practice all of the things I already know about being more fit.

And I need to start being wiser with my money. I am about to finish a nine-month contract with a little less than $3000 in the bank. Considering I�ve had no expenses for the past couple months and the six months previous were very low cost wise, I�ve blown a whole lot of dough on not very much to show for it. If I do work for CWY again starting in May, it�s realistic to think that I could have $15 000 saved by this time next year.

And on the relationship front: The few months right before leaving for Thailand I was in a way, grasping at straws� I wanted very desperately not to be single. In a way, it might be linked to my �not having a home� feeling� taking root in someone else�s life is an easy way to centre yourself. I haven�t truly had a serious relationship since Rob and I broke up back in ummm� 97 was it? Anyhow, basically, since then I�ve had this tendency to �fall for� guys that are just really not interested in me or not available. I am not exactly sure what it is that drives me to be an emotional sadist� but I really think I need to just stop searching for some kind of intense committed �whole self involved� relationship and just start dating for the fun of it. The times in my life that I was just dating and not looking for anything serious are parallel with very happy memories. I like being single. I like a warm body wrapped around me in the middle of the night too� but I really have to stop investing so much emotional energy in people who are just not capable of (or willing to) invest in me.

So my plans for when I come home? Well I want catch up with my sister and my mom. I�ve missed them both a lot. I think my mom is seeking some respite from being my sister�s �primary care giver�� which I can understand. I�ll do my best to support them both, but one thing I learned pretty young is that I part of loving my family means recognizing where their lives end and my own begins.

I want to spend some time in London with Pete� might be tricky without a vehicle. That was one cool thing about my contract this year� having wheels meant I could basically pop down and visit Pete every couple weeks. Haven�t seen as much of him since we lived in the same city really. In my dream world I could take all my best friends and relocate them with me every time I move around. Heh heh, yeah right.

Going to Ottawa the first weekend in March. Marnie got us Indigo Girls tickets YAY! And I want to catch up with Martin, Jerry, Julia & Genevieve, Sue, Suzanne and Noah, and visit a couple of my past participants. Will be a lot to pack in to four or five days but I�ve done it before. Hopefully I can get back there another time before I start my next contract.

Next contract will likely start in May * crosses fingers * and if things line up I�ll be back in Thailand again. It makes sense for me to do the same programme again. I�ve invested a lot in getting to know how Thai�s click. And for my own personal learning it just makes sense to put the things I�ve observed into practice. The winter weather here doesn�t hurt either.

By the beginning of May I�d like to get out to Edmonton. I want to visit Bruno and Charlotte and see some of my past participants. Should be able to afford that too *crosses fingers for a sizable tax return*

And I will need to get back to Durham to visit the folks there. I�m bringing back a lot of presents and such from the Thais for their host families. In fact, packing up here is going to be tough. I�m going to leave my resource books and a stash of clothes at Tik�s place and she�ll forward it to me when I�m back next year * knocks wood * � otherwise she can pass on the books n� such to next year�s PS and donate the clothes to the Thai equiv. of the Sally-Ann.

About Durham� there�s a guy in Hanover who I saw a lot of just before I left for Thailand. I don�t regret anything that happened between us. He�s fun enough. But he�s been writing to me about how he misses me and wants to see me (nudges and winks included)� and I just am not on the same page about it. It�s typical. If he was giving me the silent treatment I�d probably be smitten. I never seem to be attracted to the people who are attracted to me.

Hrmm.. this post just got a lot longer than I first intended. I always get reflective around transition times.
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